Elephant Adventure

by Laurel...

So, how crazy was the day before yesterday? Crazier than a monkey drinking hyper-caffinated coffee with extra sugar.

Sounds like a bad GEICO commercial. But no, this was no GEICO thing at all. It is a real thing in a real place in this very real world. 

Who's excited to hear it? You, there. Yes, you, the one reading my post. Say, what do you think could be crazier than a monkey drinking hyper-caffinated coffee…. need I say the rest? It is awfully long and boring to type…

You! Sorry, lost my train of thought. What do you think we did? Another game drive? Guess again. Here's a hint: It's the last thing that will come to your mind naturally.

No, we did NOT go into outer space riding a unicorn. Maybe not that outrageous. I think I should tell you now, before the suspense gets so thick your brain explodes. We……

RODE ELEPHANTS!!!!! Betcha never saw that coming…. hey, guess what? Remember the fact that I'm random? And do you want to play Yo Mama Smackdown? Yo mama...

Wait a minute… you really want to read the rest of this? I think it's because I'm the best writer EVAH… or not. But you really want to hear the rest over a good game of Yo Mama Smackdown? That's a smart choice, buddy boy (or girl), because I was taught by Master Redding Hillers how to play. And he taught me his best lines. But honestly?

Okay, I'll tell you the rest if you play with me at the end. Sort of my reward for killing my hands typing for y'all. 'Ere goes.

We ride to the place in a open-top jeep. I guess this is okay, that little voice inside me says, but I don't see elephants, lions, or cheetahs like the brochure says. I tell it to shut its face. We (finally) pull up to this lone thatch-roof shelter thing with cheetahs in an enclosure next to it, lying in the sun. Click, click. Pictures. After I step inside the lodge, someone rushes to me with blah paperwork. I try to alternate playing Subway Surfers and writing my information on the paper, but iPhone gets the best of me and I play a few more times before Arwyn's mom reminds me I need to finish. I scribble my name on the end in cursive and make sure it's totally unreadable. That ought to count as a signature. We wait outside in the blazing sun…. and wait and wait and wait. The same someone (whom I later found out was named Justice) tells us our elephants were ready. We hike to a very tall mounting block, where six elephants are waiting. Wait a minute, six elephants for the thirteen of us?

Justice tells us we'll have to double up, and of course I get stuck with my brother Bryce. We learn Safety stuff (nothing you should know, much too boring) and then meet the elephants. The only ones I can remember are Mouse, Tata, and Timba, all girls. We choose an elephant, and me and Bryce get Tata, who coincidentally happens to be twelve (in case you don't know, we're turning twelve in two days). We mount and begin our 45-minute ride. It was mostly uneventful, except for a tree that smacks us in the head. After the ride, we get feed and learn to feed the elephants properly. I'm the first to race up to Tata and say, "Mouth: open," she opens her mouth obediently and I stuff one of my handfuls of feed into her mouth. She swallows and I say, "Trunk: down," I hold out a handful of feed and she vacuums it up with her trunk and stuffs it into her mouth. I am thanked by getting a smear of dirt all over my clean white shirt. Then we get "Saluted", or having the elephants hold their trunk back and stamp their left foot. It was an experience no one will ever forget.

Now will you play Yo Mama Smackdown with me? Hmm? Gasp! Do you not know how how to play? Gasp again! Never mind. I will sit in a corner and think about how much the world needs Yo Mama Smackdown to heal its non-YoMamaSmackdownness. Goodbye.